a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
