Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
