My nipple is on Facebook.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
