He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
