Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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