one two three fourrrrnication!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
