i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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