I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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