i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
