Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
