I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
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As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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