She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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