Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
