so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
