I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
