I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
