Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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