I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i wish my penis had a tongue
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
