You smell like stripper and shame
Sober January is a disaster.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
