if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
