I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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