420 ftw
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
