In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
