guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
