Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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