Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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