Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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