You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
