Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
