If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
