I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
