something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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