I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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