after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i am craving dick and cupcakes
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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