She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
