it was like his penis was on wheels.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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