A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
