Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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