im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
