I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
