this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Randomize
