i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
This baby is an asshole
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
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