Whoa Z and x make the same sound
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
