God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
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You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
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Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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