I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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