they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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