I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Randomize
