You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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