remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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