yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
actually, I'm a sock model
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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