would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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