We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
