shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
