i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
