I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
