My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
