You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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