when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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