My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
