if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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