But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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