She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
