This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
